Growing Pains...

"And the truth shall set you free." I guess that refers to knowing it, not telling it. Courage. Not so sure I have it, yet. But let's give it one more shot. I guess today, if I could say anything, it would be...

About the "Pancakes & Eggs" episode. *Sigh*...so I finally "caught up" with my child's progression and figured out after a few days of locking myself in the bathroom what (I believe) it was all about. Could it be that she's pushing to the next level...the next phase of "independence?" It's the transition to wanting to do everything BY HERSELF.

The clearest example of this and the most exhausting activity right now? Trips to the potty. I mean baby girl potty trained herself and is fully trained day and night, so for that I am proud of her and thankful as she is not even three yet! We realized that it was now her domain. When she was on it...everything in the room was HERS to control. Don't touch the toilet paper, don't move anything from its place, don't put anything in HER trash and most importantly...never EVER flush HER pee pee or boo boo away. Are you kidding me? And FORGET helping her wipe. Seriously! I have to practice deep breathing techniques just to get through trips to the potty! (Luckily, this seems to only apply at home). But the look of pride on her face as she completes all the steps herself is priceless!!! How can I take that away? And so, I have to slow down and take a step back and at least let her try.

So in the midst of this whole major adjustment (prior to understanding the need to step back), I had reached the resolve that I was just going to have to take charge (ehhh heemmm) and get tougher...I meet "MR. MOM" on the playground. This bloke from Australia starts sharing about the dietary needs of kids and how we shouldn't feed them this or that. No problem. THEN he starts explaining to me (Miss Z and I were having a really bad day) how he never tells his son "No", he tries to simply redirect him to a more positive activity. And he doesn't make him do something if he doesn't want to because then "what power does he have, then?" I'm sorry...did you just say "POWER?" For a 15 month old? 1 and 2 year olds don't know what to do with power other than make your life a living hell! I am the one who needs the power!!! Power schmower...they need BOUNDARIES! And for their sense of security and confidence, they need to know that you're in control!!! But, I managed to smile and nod as I thought...we'll see how far that gets you in the terrible two's, pal!

Well folks, kudos to those who have a toddler that doesn't experience tantrums (or if they do, it's to a lesser degree), and to those who figured out right away what to do about it and "never had another," (mumbling a few choice words under my breath), and to those who had a toddler sooooooo long ago, you simply don't remember anything other than the adorable things they did....whatever!

Can I get a "whoo-whoo" from the mom's who know what it's like to cut the sandwich the wrong way and it sets your entire morning back an hour and a half....because you know that the minute you do ANYTHING wrong...you can't fix it. Can I get a "what what" from the mom who pulled out the purple straw when you should've gotten out the PINK one...but it's too late to switch to the pink one because THE SKY IS NOW FALLING!!

But you know...just as your thoughts become audible and you hear yourself saying..."Step away from the child...please step away from the child," the pendelum swings and next thing you know, she's holding your face saying, "You're my best friend, mommy...I love you," or "Thank you, mommy...good job!" as you place her dinner on the table. She's singing "Twinkle, Twinkle little star" so sweetly and dancing about the room. I mean...you wake up one morning and you say (already preparing for battle in your mind), "We're going to get dress and go to the store today." and she says, "Ok, mommy," with this delicious smile on her face...and she actually puts on the clothes you pick out and walks out the door...and you wonder...is it over? Are we done?

The Heart Spills Over

It is difficult to believe that tomorrow, our Zozo will turn ONE. I must've blinked. It is amazing to me how we can experience such a vast range of emotions simultaneously. As I am feeling such pangs at how fast our babies are growing and overjoyed at watching them do so. Clearly the laws of matter do not apply to matters of the heart.

The past days...weeks...months...and years have been chalked full of seemingly one setback and disappointment after the next if we choose to look at it from that perspective. Only recently, however, did it occur to me...that the journey has been so extreme and extraordinary that we have no choice other than to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is Divine Intervention taking place. God is ALL UP IN THIS and so what is there to do other than surrender all at his feet...to earneslty seek Him and His will. And bit by bit, the disappointment and fear turned into hope and excitement about the work being done in us and through us.

I recently blurted out to a friend that "Our pain is not our own." I didn't really know why I said it and couldn't really explain what I meant by it. As I turned it over in my mind, I guess what I was saying that the things we go through are not always about us...or they are much bigger than just us. Our pain is not so much about the pain itself as it is about our response to it and by our response, how it impacts those around us. I suppose that's what I was getting at. You can either be completely offended or totally liberated by the realization that "It's not about you."

Well, as I said...if we choose the one perspective, we can focus in on what appear to be setbacks...disappointments....failure. But flip that over and choose the other side of it and what endless possibility you will find. We can take joy and comfort in the fact that in suffering, we know that God trusts us...He believes in us and our ability to endure and to still be faithful. More simple than that...our daily bread...what more do we need? We are fed, we are clothed, we are healthy. The icing on that? we are surrounded by a plethora of friends and family who are always there to lend an ear or a helping hand or to say a prayer or to give a hug and if ever need be, a place to lay our heads. The cherry on top? Our hearts would burst some days at just hearing the laughter of our children or in watching them conquer some new feat, or hearing the new expressions of love and affections that they can now verbalize spontaneously and without prompting.

In counting the NUMEROUS joys and blessings to be found in EVERY SINGLE DAY we can declare, come what may..."If God be for us, who can be against us?" And if the things we strive for, seek and desire on this earth never come to pass, what will it matter as long as we have secured our place in eternity...

Life is so fragile...many of us have had the unfortunate experience of learning this all to well. Time is so short. If you look at everything we are striving for, hoping for, exhausting ourselves for, stressing ourselves over, worrying ourselves about...stop. Just stop. Because In the end (whenever that is) it will come down to two questions...How have we loved God? How have we loved each other? Everything else will fall away.

I SAID PANCAKES & EGGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She's only two. I'm 33. That means I'm the boss...I'm in control. Right?? I guess anyone with a toddler is snickering at that notion. I've watched Supernanny. I've read parenting books. I've spoken with psychiatrist. I've tried "the old school" methods handed down by my parents. I've tried holding, comforting and soothing. To no avail.

Here we were again....locked up in the darkness of the bathroom--spit and snot flinging, shrill screams piercing my ears causing sharp shooting pains throughout my head. We're now going on 30 minutes of this. The trigger? I fixed her what she asked for for breakfast...pancakes and eggs. Buuuuuut...I ADDED potatoes and bacon...which she did NOT ask for...and there wasn't a section on her plate that the bacon fit perfectly in. So the potatoes and bacon ended up in a crumpled up heap on the floor mat...which then posed a problem cause there was nowhere (clean)to put her feet.

Next, daddy (doggone-it!) gave her a glass of milk...but the cup wasn't quite full enough. That was the final straw. Another mother-of-meltdowns began. In a show of solidarity and per our discussion from the night before about how to deal with this distburbing behavior, we both tried to ignore the ensuing and intesifying fit. My poor 11 mo. old wandered around babbling and rubbing her eyes, wanting "Up, Up!" so she could settle down for her morning nap amidst the unfolding chaos that seems to now be a normal part of every day. Yep...we have been doing this every day for at least a week. The cereal wasn't poured right, the paper had a wrinkle in it, put on the wrong shirt or played the wrong song...it's random, but it's guaranteed. This is a resurgence of extreme tantruming, not something new. I keep racking my brain for what may have caused a comeback of this awful behavior. I have begun to pray when I hear her footsteps nearing our door in the morning--that it will be a better day and that God will give me the patience and the wisdom I need to deal with whatever fits the day will bring. That I will not respond in a way that is damaging....cause to tell you THE truth, there are times when I want to shake her...or give her a good old fashioned dancin'-on-the-floor-tryin'-to-grab-the-belt-beggin'-for-mercy-syllable-whoopin!!! There are those who would read this and say, "DO IT! That's what she needs...a good whoopin'!" and there are those who are appalled at the thought. Me...I don't know. Anyway...not the introduction I had planned for what my "Loving Zazo" means. They are my little girls. They are my heart. They are my...payback and then some. My mom is somewhere laughing right now. Boy did I have it comin'. Bring it baby girls! Cause no matter what...come what may...I know I will spend the rest of my life....loving ZaZo. So help me God.

To Tell The Truth

Do I have the courage? The courage to tell the truth? Is it even courageous if I do do it in absolute anonymity? It's a step. As a girl, my mother always told me, "Don't EVER put anything in writing that you don't want others to see." Not that I always heeded that advice...how many times did a lost love letter, a heated journal entry, or some passionate expression in writing of my inner most thoughts come to bite me in the butt upon ending up in the wrong hands--read by the wrong eyes? Oh the shame! If I am ever to become the writer I desire to be, however, I must lay fear of criticism, exposure, and of the truth being known to rest. I cannot move forward AND remain in fear...so let's do this. Hope you're ready cause if I could say anything...